The Quarter VS. the CL550

(Originally posted on MySpace on 06.18.07)

Cruising up the 405 on the way to work today, the strangest thing happened: I was cut off.

Normally this wouldn't bother me, and I say "normally" because this happens about 6 times a day as I drive from Lake Forest to El Segundo, but today it did. Lemme try to explain the situation.

I'm going 80 miles an hour, yes 80. I'm about 2 car lengths behind the SUV in front of me. There's a brand spankin' new Mercedes CL550 (a 100,000 car), literally, on my ass. I kinda chuckle that somebody would have to tailgate me when I'm going 80 and they can CLEARLY see that there is an SUV in front of me. The person behind me gets impatient and shoots over into the carpool lane (there was only 1 person in the car) and then proceeds to cut me off across the double yellow line. I flash the bird to the female driver, who was obviously very important because she was doing all of this while on a celphone, and I see her raise up in her seat and give me one of those half-assed "what-EVER" waves over her shoulder.

I have to interrupt here for a second to include that I had just this morning grabbed a handful of change from out of my change-pig because I always use it up when Kelly and I go to the beach on Sundays. Anyway…

After I was forced to "talk to the hand", I remembered that I had about 12.00 in quarters in my ashtray and chuckled to myself thinking "I'm patient, I'll wait". For the next 20 miles I am directly behind this asshat. She's swerving all over the road because her phonecall was clearly, that important. Roughly where the 405 and the 22 meet, traffic let up and I decided to do the following:

1. Open my ashtray and grab a handful of quarters.
2. Open my Sunroof.
3. Open the passenger side window.
4. Open the driver's side window.
5. Get over into the next lane.
6. Speed up.
7. Toss a handful of quarters at the rear quarter panel of her shiny new CL550.

At this point, she tries to hit me, but doesn't commit to it. Instead, she speeds up, slows down, gets over a lane, slams on her brakes in front of me to which I answered with another fistful of quarters. I then get over in front of her and start flipping them out the sunroof laughing maniacally as I hear the "ping – zip – ptoing" of the quarters bouncing off of that shiny new paint!

Moral of the story, don't dangerously cut people off on the freeway because you never know what the hell they have within arms reach to toss at your stupid ass.

I'm sure some of you will call me a dick for doing this and all I can say is, next time I leave the house; I need to grab 2 handfuls of quarters because that was very gratifying to do.