Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Late Night Ramblings. (Honeymoon 03.31.09)

If a picture could tell a thousand words, I'd have so many things to say... We haven't really gotten a chance to share our Honeymoon story, or lack thereof. Here's a photo and I'll follow it up with more thoughts.



Random shot from the wedding on 03.21.08 (I will post more at some other time). 2 days after our Wedding, we took off on a cruise for Mexico for 7 days. We had hoped to be able to do all of the things we had dreamed of doing for quite some time. Things like Ziplining over the forest, Jet-Ski, Bridge Jumping, Bungie Jumping, Parasailing, etc...

As you know, Kelly got in a REALLY bad car accident on January 18th of 2008, yes, 1.5 months before our wedding. She was, and still is to THIS DAY, in unbearable pain. To the point that we almost called off the cruise altogether. At the last minute, we decided to go with it and even if we stayed in the room, we'd have fun. Here are a couple of shots of us gallivanting around the ship.




We quickly realized that it wasn't going to be a fun trip for us with Kelly in so much pain, so we decided we would hang out at the pool area since we could at least get in and out of the pool and lounges so that we could get a nice tan, basically just relax for a week without having to constantly wonder what is going on with any of the 4 kids. It became apparent to me that even THAT was going to be too much as Kelly's pain seemed to increase whenever we did anything at all, so I went to Captain of the Ship and asked if he could kindly loan us a wheelchair because we were on our Honeymoon and not able to make it around the ship. He said "anything for the newlyweds" and set us up.



Kelly didn't seem too happy about the idea and was worried that it would particularly affect me as my Mom was handicapped and I spent a heck of a large portion of my live wheeling her around in her wheelchair. I said "hey, I've gotten a lot of practice! Don't worry about me, let's have a good time!" What we did NOT count on was how rude people were. We were stared at, looked down at, pushed into, you name it... So we decided that we would not eat in the formal dining room to spare ourselves at least a little dignity. In doing so, we had a LOT more fun. We had breakfrast delivered to us in the room, while we listened to Billie Holiday and we would take the chair to the upper deck for dinner and make these ridiculous exorbitant salads and eat them with a window seat of nothing but ocean view. We especially timed this EVERY night so that around the middle of dinner, we could scoot out to the back deck and take pictures of the sun going down. Here are a couple of them (a few of these were taken from our balcony).







That alone was worth the trip. We unplugged the TV and plugged in the iPod and listened to all of our favorite music while we sunned and played some card games that we had brought with us. Before you ask, I am the INTERNATIONAL CHAMPION for Magic and Uno during our Honeymoon.




With all of the pain she was in, and all of the stress because of it, we still had a GREAT time. In Mazatlan, I don't think we would have gotten off the ship anyway after we woke up to this view...



So that was a pool day for us, which was fine since the ship was empty...




When we landed in Cabo, we learned that we would have to take a smaller boat to the mainland, but that it was worth it. So we decided to make a go of it since it was out last stop. The trip was rough, but when we got there, EVERYTHING was within walking distance so we waddled over to a couple restaurants and ate some mexican tacos and bought some stuff off of the street vendors, you know... just being tourists. It was painful for Kelly to do so, so we didn't last long there, just enough time to eat and pick up some stuff for the kids.










As you can obviously see, we made the best of it. We had a good time that would have been much better. We've promised ourselves to take a "real honeymoon" once all of Kelly's back shenannigans are straightened out. As you can see from the last picture posted above, we're smiling and enjoying the time off and together and at the end of the day, that's what it was all about.

I'll leave you with one more picture, the coolest thing we were able to do in our situation...



Yes... We got to hold a real live Jaguar. It was totally the coolest thing that happened the whole trip, we still talk about how cool it was.

Kelly... I love you more today than yesterday, but not as much as tomorrow. Keep fighting, you know were all behind you holding you up when you can't do it for yourself. You've got a team here and we all want nothing more than to see you painfree and riding on your skateboard.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Uno Rush is out finally!

The last game that I worked on while I was at Mattel was released this week. It's called Uno Rush for the XBOX Live Arcade and it's a blast.

You can see it here.

Curiously, Mattel decided to delete me from the credits, even though I was the only person from Mattel to actually do any real work on the product. I worked on it for 2 years and my work went as far as co-game design, front end design, gameplay mechanics, co-interactive demo design.

You can see my work EVERYWHERE in that game, and yet, Mattel still decided to omit me. I mean, everybody that knows me, knows I love stars (I've got over 10 tattoos of stars) and they are EVERYWHERE in the game. Yes, compliments of me... And that is just one minor example. I think I'll try to dig out an old shot of the game that Mattel wanted to approve as final that I 100% declined just so you can see the difference between a lackey and a real producer.

So anyway, I'm not very happy about somebody else getting credit for my work, and I've written Mattel a letter to get them to put me back in since it was one of the points we talked about before I accepted their agreement. Normally, I wouldn't be writing about this, but they made the move to remove me, which in my mind makes our agreement null and void.

Watch here for more HUGE bombshells about Mattel if they don't make this right.

Friday, March 27, 2009

Parmesan Chicken and Red Artichoke sauce recipe.

This is one of my favorite recipes...

Sauce:
1 Whole White Onion
7 Cloves of Garlic
1 Green Pepper
1 Large Zucchini
10 Mushrooms
8 Olives (Sliced in Half)
1 Jar Artichoke Hearts (Drained)
1 Cans Whole Tomatoes
Oregano
Tabasco
Salt
Pepper

Sautee onions and garlic in olive oil then add the following veggies in this order as each one cooks up a bit.

Add Green Peppers
Add Zucchini
Add Mushrooms
Add Olives and Artichokes

Cut up the tomatoes and dump them in. Add salt, pepper, oregano, and Tabasco.
Simmer for about 45 minutes and eat. (Start the Chicken now).

CHICKEN:
2 Chicken Breasts (bone removed)
1 Bottle of White Wine
4 Cloves of Garlic
Parmesan Cheese
Oregano
Garlic Powder
Salt
Pepper

Marinade 2 Chicken Breasts in White Wine, Garlic, Olive Oil, Salt, Pepper, Parmesan Cheese, Garlic Powder, and Oregano.

1. Cook the chicken on a grill on high for 4 minutes on each side.
2. Sprinkle Parmesan Cheese, Garlic Powder, Oregano, and Crushed Red Pepper on Chicken.
3. Turn down the heat to low and cook for 3 minutes on each side, two times (Brush the chicken with marinade before each flip).

Slice the chicken up into whatever style you want, scoop the sauce over the top and enjoy!

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Sheesh...

Do you ever wish you could just check out of the planet for a while? Just long enough that people aren't absolutely lame?

I suppose it's a good thing I don't make the rules... Things would run a lot differently in my universe.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Charles Lewis Jr's Memorial.

Charles "Mask" Lewis

“We first and foremost want to thank everyone – TapouT fans, Mixed-Marital Arts community and more – for their kind words and support in the wake of Mask’s death,” says TapouT Co-Founder Dan “Punkass” Caldwell. “Whether you’re a fan of MMA or not, Charles’ goal was to inspire people to make a difference in the world and never settle for anything less than their dreams. With TapouT, he reached more people than we could have ever imagined, and his dedication to the sport and brand will live on forever through his fans around the world.”

“Mask was the ultimate entrepreneur,” says TapouT President Marc Kreiner. “I’m still in awe of his marketing and business prowess that brought his dream from the back of a pick-up truck to a world-renowned brand. We’ll miss his drive and intensity for the business, but the leadership he instilled in the company will carry on.”

“Mask was one of the most genuine and honest people I have ever met,” says TapouT Crew Member Timothy “Skyskrape” Katz. “He created TapouT as a way to share his passion and energy for MMA with the world, and the inspiration and attitude of TapouT will continue to live on in Mask’s memory.”

The memorial service, “’Simply Believe’: A Celebration of Charles ‘Mask’ Lewis Jr.,” is set for Tuesday, April 14 at 11:00 am at the Crystal Cathedral in Garden Grove, California. The service will be open to the public, and fans and friends alike will gather to pay tribute to the life that taught us that anything is possible if you “Simply Believe.”

------------------------------------------------

I, for one, miss his laugh. Charles was always laughing and joking and he had the greatest laugh that I personally have ever heard.

Let me know if you would like to go along with me as I intend to go to this 100%. Strangely, my Grandmother tried to get me to go to the Crystal Cathedral HUNDREDS of times when she was alive and I never went. I suppose it's only fitting for a guy that was larger than life to have a memorial at a church that is the same.

So, if you care to join me, let me know. We could carpool.

Friday, March 20, 2009

How Did I Get So Lucky? (By Kelly)

(Originally posted by KELLY on MySpace on 04.29.06)

Gosh, where do I begin? Who would have ever thought that cruising myspace and reading what other people have to say could change the course of two lives? Let's start from the beginning....

I joined myspace a couple of months ago, more for fun and to see if I could meet new and interesting people. So I searched for people within a certain age range that were local and proud parents like myself. I would pop into someone's space and read their blogs or what they had to say about themselves, but it seemed like it was all cookie cutter. Not what I was looking for in terms of new and interesting. Then a picture caught my eye. It was of a guy, with a hoodie on and all you could see was his face from the nose down. It caught my attention, so I went into his space to check out him out and see if he had any substance to him at all. I started reading his space and was immediately drawn in by his witty sense of humor and his creative nature. What the hell, I'll read some blogs, this guy is obviously hilarious and he's genius like me. So I checked out some of his blogs. Before I knew it over an hour had gone by because I was so drawn in by what this man had been through. Unbelievable. Things that no human being should ever have to go through. I was compelled to write this guy a message and let him know my thoughts on his experiences (if you know me, you know I speak my mind at all times, even if I don't know you!). I just wanted him to know that what he had been put through at the hand of another was fucked up and he didn't deserve it, no one does. Sent off the email with no expectation of ever getting a response.

Much to my surprise, I logged on the next day and there was my first message from Chippie Mneumonic aka Faux Shizzle and too many other surnames to possibly post here. To make a long story short, we started emailing back and forth daily. Not long after, we exchanged numbers and started talking on the phone frequently. About a month later, we finally agreed to meet for drinks. No big deal, two friends meeting for drinks right? After all, he's genius and he's funny like me, the night should be good times had by all yo. So we met at BJ's (how appropriate) on a Wednesday night for a couple drinks.

I won't go into a ton of details about the evening, but I will say this much. It involved lots of drinks, pizzookie (which is a pizza/cookie combo w/ice cream...yummy, and you have to eat it quickly or it gets hard....ummm....wha?), and meeting our new friend Brian who was really the bad influence of the evening when he introduced us to pineapple upside-down death drinks. Anyway, the evening ended with my needing a ride home only to pick up my car at 6am the next morning. Good times, good times.

Interestingly enough, from that day forward, Chippie and I have seen each other every day. From drinking Corona's at Chipotle, to sitting and watching a movie on a projector screen (which if you have never seen is really something to experience; think movie theater in your home...awesome), to many firsts for me like sushi (I'm a junkie now, thank you Chippie, I love you...), to the infamous Ferris wheel (I fell in love on one when I was 35), to the best chocolate I've ever eaten, to pink elephants, to balls exposed in public (thanks Rob), to movies so disturbing I'll never be right again (ugh, my brain hurts), to his first IMAX experience (V for Vendetta...HIGHLY recommend that one on IMAX, outta this world!)....anyway, you get the idea.

The point of this whole story is this, in a time when you are least looking for someone to come into your life and turn it upside down in a way that really makes it right side up, it happens. And when it does, it is absolutely the most liberating and freeing experience you could possibly imagine. Chippie, you've totally changed my life for the better. I'm so glad that despite the pain and heartbreak our pasts have brought us, we are exactly where we are today. Everything has a reason and a purpose and as the days go by with you beside me, it becomes abundantly clear to me that all of those past experiences were to bring us to where we are today. You are amazing, and I love you.

And for Chip's friends, I want to say thank you...Thank you for caring so deeply about him and for being so protective of him. He speaks very highly of all of you, just so you know. After meeting some of you, I completely understand why that is the case. You guys are awesome.

E3 (By Kelly)

(Originally posted on MySpace by KELLY on 05.11.06)

h, yes, Chip. You are becoming quite talented at breaking me in to things that are all together new and exciting for me. First pizzookie (rule 1, eat it before it gets hard.uh.wha?), then sushi (chip roll is my new fav.uh.why is everything a sex joke with you Chip?), and now E3 (Chip is STILL impressed I knew exactly what it stood for!).

The day began with filling up the tank and heading out in a fair amount of traffic at 9:30am. Music choice of the day (well, the last 2 days truth be told) was the Red Hot Chili Peppers new double album Stadium Arcadium. If you don't have it, BUY IT. It's an absolute MUST HAVE to any music lover's collection. Every song on that album is fantastic. But, here I go getting off the subject. Where was I? Ah, yes, E3.

We sit in traffic for what seems like a short time, but of course, that's because the company aka Chip is in the presence of pure genius coupled with nonstop laughs because Im funny. Anyway, we drive through with no real bumps in the road and arrive at LA Convention Center approximately 10:30ish. Just prior to arriving, we get a call from Simon who is anxiously awaiting our arrival (we love Simon). Didn't you know we're famous? Anyhoo, after paying an obscene amount for parking ($40) but getting a sweet spot where we weren't blocked in, we walked a couple of blocks to the CC. While walking, I am taking in all of the various banners and signs and people in general. Of course, the minute we step on CC grounds, we are stopped every 100 yards or so by someone who knows Chip or vice versa. If you have never experienced this, I must say its quite fascinating. Very cool for me to step into his world and see it from a completely different perspective. The best part was the knowledge that for every one of the 100 people I met on Day 1 of E3, they all have some story about him that I am just dying to hear and they are just dying to share. Of course, it involves exposed balls and alcohol consumption. That's odd isn't it? Weird.

Alas, we wait in a couple of lines to get the highly sought after badge; Ive heard people have actually committed atrocious unspeakable acts in order to obtain one. While in line we meet a guy by the name of Josh who, of course, works with Doug Finch who was in England with Chip many years ago. They swap stories of which Chip tells Josh to tell Doug, what floor? (say in slurred drunken talk for effect). Somehow, I just know what I have just witnessed with be re-visited before the end of the night. I can tell the future too, didn't you know?

So, now that we have jumped through the required red tape to obtain the golden ticket for entrance to the show, we call Simon to meet up with him. Mind you, its 11:00am by now, so the only place to meet that would remotely make sense is Gordon Biersch to start drinking, yo. After drinking a beer, we head on into the convention and go straight to the Activision booth. Lets just say from the minute I crossed the threshold of the doors to South Hall, that my senses went on overload. For those who know me, you know I'm ADD, so imagine that coupled with the most insane visual stimuli you could possibly imagine from my peripheral vision on. INSANE. Thats all I can say. I think I actually incurred whiplash from my head darting from one direction to the other. I try desperately to focus on what Simon is saying about the new Tony Hawk game, while absorbing the Call of Duty 2 tournament station (my son is a Call of Duty junkie). We walk to the other side of the Activision area to watch (and I filmed) the trailer for the new Tony Hawk Project 8 that Simon worked on. Excellent is all I can say.

At this point, hunger has taken its toll on both of us, so we head over to the café to catch up with Damien and Ning for the driest burger this side of the Colorado. So I get to finally meet Damien and Ning. Like all of Chips friends that I have met to this point, I can see why he speaks so highly of all of you. Really. We eat, then we take off and go back to West Hall, go our separate ways, Chip and I roam aimlessly.

Moving onward, we headed to South Hall (I think? ADD sorry) to check out Playstation 3 where Chip distracted the big black armored guard who kept saying, take a step back people, take a step back while I took some close up shots. It only made sense to go straight to Nintendo from there where we hoped to get a peek at the newest Wii system, only to follow the line around the whole hall before saying, f-it. Chip had a meeting with Activision so after being stopped, again, numerous times about every 100 yards or so by random individuals who either knew Chip, knew of him, or who had worked with him on one occasion or another. Honestly, this was one of the best parts of the show. It was really cool for me to see him so excited and thrilled to be at a place where he could catch up with old friends. And of course, thank god, all of his friends are cool and no one was offended by my touchy-feely nature and this habit I have of hugging everyone around me.

So, back to Activision booth we go. Chip takes off for his meeting with his boss and some crazy Brit named Martin who, by the way, had some amazing stories of his own. So I wander aimlessly with my ADD and my 25 personalities to keep me company, bouncing from booth to booth, jaw on the ground, drool running down my face before I'm rescued from my own demise from none other than Simon. Hes hanging with some Australian dude who for the life of me I cannot remember his name. Tragic. We head over to Microsoft and check out the Xbox stuff, then went and checked out the new Destroy All Humans 2 game. Pretty cool. All I remember is something random about finding the hippies and storing the bongwater. I don't know what that means.

Next thing you know me, Simon and the Aussie are at the EA booth which was the most amazing thing, I swear I almost had a seizure. When all was said and done we were back at the Activision booth watching Tony Hawk and a bunch of other skaters do their thang on the smallest ½ pipe Ive seen. INSANE. That is all I have to say about that. When all was said and done, the Aussie took off for a meeting leaving me and Simon looking at each other for about a ½ a second before he says what I'm thinking, lets go drink. Right on. Now were talking. And if I know Chip, he'll know right where to find us.

We make our way back to GB with a restroom pit stop along the way and some random comments about can you feel that?!!?!. WTF. Hey, I'm having a great time. Suckit. Before we can get our first drink, Chipper calls and I let him know where we are, well, because hes super genius like me, hes walking into the bar and there we all are. Me, Chip, Simon, Eric, Martin, and a handful of other people who I apologize for not remembering, but after meeting 100 people that Chip knew, my brain was absolutely mush. I think to myself, I'm so overstimulated, I may never sleep again.

We hang out for a while before heading over to the Bonaventure, another new thing for me compliments of the Chipster himself. Ive lost count of the cherries hes popped now, someone help me? The Interplay party was very cool. We drank vodka cranberries and ate fish and chips (bahahahaa). Before I know it we've hooked up with Nord, Damien, Ning, Brian, Eric, and a ton of other people who I am really sorry I just cannot access that part of the brain that holds your names. Forgive me. At any rate, the party was lots of fun. We head upstairs, taking the True Lies elevator to the rotating bar on top. What an amazing sight of the city from up there. More drinks, pretzels and, of course, talk about cock, cock, and more cock. Alas, the night must come to an end.

My assessments for the day were as follows:

1. I cannot wait for E3 next year!
2. ADD is a good thing at E3
3. I think I want to move into the EA booth.
4. Chip is a pro at poppin the cherries of my new experiences
5. It is still abundantly clear to me why he speaks so highly of all of his friends
6. Kudos Simon for taking me under his wing and saving me from my own certain demise
7. Chips passion for his work is by far the most extreme of any I have ever known. He loves his work and its obvious after my experience at E3 that his reputation in the industry proceeds him. Im proud of you, Chipper.
8. I still want to move into the EA booth.
9. Can you feel that?!?!? will never hold the same context for me again.
10. I must go buy Cinnabons and attempt the Damien/Ning way of warming it up. Sweet!
11. I cant wait for E3 next year!

For the record, met some amazing people, got to hang out with the absolutely most fantabulous individual on the planet, and I got to write about it for all of you fine people to read. Thanks to everyone who made me feel right at home. Looking forward to next year!

It Was ON at Comicon! (By Kelly)

(Originally posted on MySpace on 08.01.06)

So, this past weekend I was invited to attend Comicon in San Diego by Chip and his team at Mattel. This was a very big weekend for Mattel as they were unveiling their new Hyperscan gaming system. I have heard a ton about this system over the last handful of months, so I was completely thrilled at the opportunity to go to Comicon and see for myself and to work the Mattel booth and demo the system as well. What more could a girl ask for?

So, all week I'm looking forward to this convention. And all week, Chip is telling me what a dork-fest it is. I figured, since I experienced my first E3 this year, it couldn't be that bad right? Chip continued his attempts to prepare me over the next week so I wasn't shell-shocked when I walked into the convention...

So finally, Friday is here! I jump in my car, go and get some gas and after a quick phone call with my sexay man, I'm off. It's 6:34pm and I'm hittin' the road. The drive to San Diego was pretty good. The hotel was exactly 75 miles from our home and I made it in 1 hour and 15 minutes. The highlight of the drive down was the Cassidy Street exit. Put a smile on my face and I'm certain that every time I see that exit, the reaction will be the same.

Anyhoo. After an hour and 15 minutes, I am finally upon the Front Street exit. Chip has already given me explicit directions on how to get to the hotel as he patiently awaits my arrival. Now mind you, I have never been to downtown San Diego nor the Gaslamp District. Chip informs me of some landmarks, the Hustler store in particular which leads to another story entirely of which I am not prepared nor willing to go into at this particular moment in time.

At any rate...by the time I realize that the hotel is right in front of me, I also realize that the valet parking is on the street. Weird. I mean literally, it's right on the street in front of the hotel. No fancy driveway, no nothing. It was like a bus stop. Very cool. I get out of my car and they valet park it for me. I'm feeling pretty special now. So, I walk inside the hotel and go straight up to our room. Only Chip is not there. :( So I call him and as it turns out he is in a co-workers room instead. So, I head down there, we chat for a bit and then head back to our room, drop my stuff off and then, go figure...we're off to the bar to meet everyone else before dinner. I'm IN!!!

By this point, I am about spilling out of my skin from the sheer excitement of being in downtown San Diego (since I've never been), for the Comicon convention (which I've never been to), and heading out for dinner and drinks with just the most incredible people one could ever hope to work for. I have to say, hat's off to the whole group because they truly are amazing. Everyone enjoys one round of drinks before heading off to dinner.

We walk several blocks before arriving at an Italian restaurant called Acqua Al 2. We get seated at our table and just about the time we actually sit down, Chip and I both look at each other, noses scrunched and say, "What the fuck is that smell? It smells like puke!". We look over to the next table and discover that a small child has puked on the floor and all over herself while the parents are content not cleaning it up and continuing to eat their dinner. Gross. We stand up ready to move our seats when we realize that there is no where else to sit. There are 20 of us and everyone is seated. Great. Hope this isn't a sign of things to come.

The dinner was fantastic. I have never seen so many dishes of pasta served to one table in my lifetime. I swear we could have fed a French Army with the amount of food we had. It was ridiculous! We drank some of the best red wine I have ever tasted. Chip ordered the filet with a balsamic vinegar sauce and I ordered the filet with a blueberry sauce. Sounds gross, I know, but in all honestly, it was actually very good. The meat was like butter and the blueberries really added an interesting touch to it. However, I would be lying if I didn't say that Chip's filet was better than mine, because it was! Either way, I was just happy to be there! I'm pretty easy to please and the fact that I was even there to begin with was enough to make me smile!

So, we finish dinner and the group decides they want to go to some club and drink and dance. Chip and I need to go back to the hotel room to grab some stuff. We get back to the hotel and once we are in the room, we're so exhausted we just go right to bed. (Yes, this is a lie, but I cannot reveal what took place that night without compromising my secret identity....)

Rise and shine, a 7:00am wake up call and we are up and getting ready for Comicon! The view from the hotel is amazing. We are on the 5th floor in room 507 which also happened to be the number of the place Chip used to live in Newport. Sweet.

From the room, we have a perfect view of the Hustler store. The architecture of the buildings is PHENOMINAL!!! Every building had it's own distinct character and attention to detail. This one building, when you walked by it, if you looked up, you could see this crazy array of tiles underneath the eaves of the roof. CRAZY!

We then decide that we must go to the roof to absorb the view from there. After some crafty planning and activating our cloaking device so we aren't detected, we are able to gain access to the rooftop. The view was amazing!

Alas, it's time to go. We take the short hop to the convention which turns out to be about 7 blocks in the scorching heat at 9:30am. It feels like it's about 100 degrees outside and we are both sweating like nuns in a porn shop. I am just fascinated by the buildings and feel of the city.

We finally arrive at the convention. Holy Sheet!! There are a ton of people. Unbelievable!!! I take a couple of random pics and we head on into the convention; it's on at Comicon!!!

We walk through the mass of people and alas, we arrive at the Mattel booth which is smack dab in the middle of the hall. Awesome! There it is...the Hyperscan system.

I'm so excited and thrilled to be there. It's truly all I can do to contain myself. Chip tells me to just listen to what he says about the system, memorize it and then give my shpeal to those who walk into the booth. So, I listen intently to Chip while he delivers the demo of the Hyperscan system to a dad and his two kids. The dad, clearly impressed by Chip's super genious and charming personality, turns to his children and says, "Play this, this is what you are getting for Christmas this year...". Wow! Impressive. So, I turn to Bob, one of the guys on his team, and say, "hey, what exactly would you like me to do? I'm here to do whatever." So, he explains Hyperscan to me, what it does, the concept, the games, when it's launching, etc. etc. Great. I got it. I'm in and I'm ready to roll.

People are walking into the Mattel booth with wreckless abandon to check out the new Hyperscan system. Everyone is excited, demoing the system. Then it starts to slow down a little bit. During this time, Bob, the Marketing Manager for Hyperscan, decides to have a short "pow wow" with us. Bob, Chip and I are standing there chit chatting. He's obviously extrememly excited about what he is witnessing with regards to the new system, as he should be. It was very exciting. At any rate, he turns to me and says, verbatim I might add, "ok, Kelly, so you are the hooker to get them in the..." Meanwhile, Chip and I are shaking our heads in agreement, when Bob turns ghost white...puts his hand to his mouf in shock and awe, and looks at me...then at Chip, then at me again and shakes his head. Chip and I are a little confused, before it dawns on us right at the time that Bob started apologizing....Bob just called me a hooker. The irony of this whole thing and the sheer comedy in all of it is that Bob is one of those guys that wouldn't say such a thing to his most hated worst enemy. Chip and I BOTH knew what he meant (i.e., hook people in, get them interested in the system and draw them into the booth), but Bob was purely horrified that he uttered such a comment. It was hilarious. Chip and I start laughing, because we know Bob didn't mean what he said. Bob, being the incredible guy he is, starts to and continues to apologize profusely to Chip and myself for his "unfortunate" comment. We both laugh because we know the context in which he meant. Either way, Bob still, to this day, feels terribly for this comment. I believe Chip finally told him, after hours of apologizing, that he would GET pissed off and stab him in the neck if he DIDN'T stop apologizing. The jury is still out on this one though...

So, I see a family walk into the booth with a perplexed look upon their face. They have never seen such as system and curiosity has gotten the best of them. Lucky for them, I'm there to eliminate their confusion. So, I go into my whole demo and (as Chip would tell me later), Bob stands there with his arms crossed shaking his head and smiling. Chip walks up and says, "hey dude, what's up?" Bob replies, "look at her go!!! That's awesome!!". Shortly thereafter, Chip informs me that he is going to walk the convention and give out Hyperscan t-shirts to little kids. He asks if I would like to join him, and of course, I say "sure!". So, off we go, he with about 20 t-shirts in hand and me with a bunch of limited edition Hyperscan gaming cards for the X-men game that will be released with the system in October. We stop some people and hand out shirts and continue walking the convention. Suddenly, out of nowhere, the entire aura of the convention changes. It gets eerily quiet and I notice that the other attendees are walking around aimlessly, literally, and not talking much at all. We walk down one of the aisles and about 20 feet in front of us is this woman who is literally staring right at me while walking with her hands up near her face and saying, "Aaaa....aaaa...aaaa". I look at Chip like, "WTF?!" as we both witness her walk 20 feet right into me while staring right at me. I look at her with utter confusion and can only say, "right on....." She bumps into me and then just goes on her merry way without saying a single word to me! How bizarre!!! I look at Chip again, "WTF?!" He smiles and shrugs his shoulders and merely says, "I told you!".

For the next hour or so, I am completely blown away by what appears to be a complete lack of social skills among such a large population of people. I mean, people were walking in every different direction with no semblance of order. At one point, we stopped to look at a glass case full of these figures from Legend. Chip is leaning down to look while pointing and saying, "look how bad-ass that is!". I am looking on when suddenly, out of nowhere, this 40 year oldish man comes up behind Chip, SNEEZES on his neck without covering his mouf and sprays all over him! Chip, in complete horror, turns around and says, "what are you...6?!?!?!". I look at the guy and can only manage a look of disgust and say, "wwwhhhaaattt?!?!?!" The 40 year oldish snot factory looks at both of us, doesn't say a word, wipes his nose with the back of his hand, and plainly walks away as if it was completely normal behavior. By this point we are completely grossed out! We go back to the Mattel booth, grab the hand sanitizer and unleash 1/2 the bottle on Chipper's neck. Ick. So gross!!!

Since we are such good sports, we refuse to let the germ factory ruin our good time. So we continue to walk the convention. We see things from storm troopers, to a superman sporting an afro while talking on his cell phone and flipping his cape back, to Predator, to Darth Maul, to a storm trooper who was sporting side burns, big sunglasses and a white cape so he looked like a hybrid of Elvis and storm trooper. Really cool! I said to Chip, "I gotta have my pic taken with that dude later!" Of course, we never did see him again. But I did get some cool pics...

So, we continue on passing out t-shirts and Hyperscan cards (Lady Deathstrike to be exact...exclusive to Comicon). It was really cool to see the look on the faces of kids that we handed out shirts to. Of course, with the exception of this one kid. Here we are, Chip and I, walking down an aisle in the comic book portion of the convention. Now mind you, the atmosphere of this part of the convention is considerably different than the rest of the convention. It literally went from mass chaos and noise to almost complete silence. Strange, I think, but hey, I've never been to Comicon before, I could be wrong (of course, it would be a first...but that's beside the point). At any rate, we're walking and Chipper says to me, "hey, baby, give that kid a shirt..." as he points to a little boy who looks to be about 8 years old. I think to myself, "we are going to make this kids day...". So I walk up the kid, and say to him, "Here buddy...Have a shirt, exclusive to this convention!". The kid turns, then looks at me with a face of utter disdain and steps back as if I'm handing him a bag of poo. I can't believe it!!! I say to him again (thinking, maybe in all the silence he really didn't hear me at all), "here you go...have Hyperscan t-shirt". The confused child still looks at me like I'm new to planet Earf, he shakes his head in a fashion that appears to me to be the universal sign for, "get the fuck away from me you crazy bitch" and walks away. I stand there with a look of complete confusion on my face as Chip walks back up to me and says, "you okay baby?". I proceed to tell him about the freak-a-zoid child who, apparently, has never had contact with another human before. We both shake our heads and proceed on to our true destination which is the Planetwide Games booth to holla at Ning and Damien.

After dodging the quasi-autistic Comicon attendees, we finally arrive at the Planetwide booth. Damien is demo'ing Comic Book Creator as spectators look on in awe and fascination. Meanwhile, Chip says his "hello's" and is even super cordial to Kevin who deserved to get his ass beat. Chip, being the amazing human that he is, takes the high road and restrains himself. I was so proud of him!!! I have the most incredible boyfriend this planet has ever seen. Truly. Try to argue this point with me and you will lose, because that's how I roll...

So we hang out in her booth for a short period of time before moving along collecting button pins and mindless stuff along the way. We work our way back to the Mattel booth to work for a couple more hours.

Much to our surprise, we get a visit from Ben, a friend of Chip's! YAY! It was great seeing Ben again! We chat for awhile and then continue working the booth.

By this time we are starving. We haven't eaten lunch and it's about 3 o'clock. We demo the new Hyperscan system again for a couple of hours before we finally head out for lunch. Chip, me, Jonathan and Cythia out of the convention center on a hunting and gathering expedition to find some grub. We settle on Baja Rockin' Lobster which Chip and I have eaten in Newport before. It's about 1,000 degrees outside and we are all about to suffer from heat stroke. Cure? Pacifico's of course. We order a bucket and share in the refreshment of this particular beverage on such a scorching hot day. We're finally seated hoping upon all hope that the inside will be air conditioned. No such luck, we're cursed. We end up eating the most amazing seafood ever before heading back to the convention.

Back to the convention we go. Still wall to all people. Crazy. We go on to the Mattel booth to work the reaminder of the convention which ends promptly at 7pm. We mingle and chat it up with nearby booths. What an incredible day. Just an amazing experience for me. I was fortunate enough to not only attend the convention, but to take part and share in the enthusiasm and excitement that Mattel's new gaming system, Hyperscan, is eliciting. It was, by far, the most amazing experience I have ever had. It was truly an honor and a privilige for me to be able to partake in such an amazing experience. Thank you to everyone at Mattel who, 1-invited me to be a part of such a spectacular event, 2-made me feel so welcome and part of the group. This was an amazing weekend for me to share with Chip.

With the convention over for the day, the whole team is forced to trek the 8 blocks back to the hotel in the scorching heat and humidity coupled with the foul stench of the sweat and body odor of some of the Comicon attendees. We finally arrive at the hotel only to immediately jump into the shower to get ready for the evening's festivities. We meet everyone down at the hotel bar for a drink before walking 6 blocks to the Blue Point Restaurant. While waiting for our table, we head to the bar (big shock I know...). We all order a variety of drinks. We are seated at our table and settle in for dinner. The food was awesome. Neither one of us had ever eaten lobster bisque before and Bob decided we needed to try his because it was, "the best ever". We each take a taste and Bob is right, it is really good. Bob then says, "I've ruined you both now. You'll never have lobster bisque anywhere else that is this good.". He may be right, but that theory has yet to be proven.

Dinner is over, everyone is ready to party it up. The group heads over to Martini Ranch for drinks and dancing. Chip and I decide we would rather hit the Hustler store which is caddy corner to our hotel. How convenient. We browse, we shop, we purchase, we leave. We go back to the hotel to put our stuff away and head back out when we run into Bob and his wife, Tina in the lobby. They are headed in for the night, and Chip and I really don't feel like clubbing. It's Bob and Tina's 2 year wedding anniversary so we decide we are going to take them out for a drink to celebrate. We walk a block to a quiet little sushi restaurant, and on the way, we come across these police officers who were standing over someone. I thought maybe someone got hit by a car and initially thought, "cool!". Well, turns out, as we slowly walk by, there is this chick that is so hammered that she is literally passed out on the corner in the fetal position with two guys staggering over her arguing about who did what to who and how they ended up in their condition to begin with. Mildly interesting, but we move along. We order our drinks and sit down, chatting it up about anything and everything. I'm looking out the window and I see this girl sitting on the base of this gaslamp. Chip sees her too. She's kinda wobbly on the base and is swaying to and fro like a swing. Both Chip and I are discreetly watching her when all of the sudden, she falls flat on her ass!!! It was fucking hilarious!!! Chip and I start laughing our asses off. We look back up at her and she has managed to get herself off the ground and back onto the base of this gaslamp. She's looking right at us at this point and sees us laughing at her expense. We give her the "two thumbs up" and she returns them, giggles and off she goes into the night never to be seen again.

We finish up our drinks, head back to the hotel and the rest is super secret so I could tell you, but then I would be risking some covert type operation that we're working on for later. Denied. Oh well.

Bottom line to the weekend at Comicon, is this. I coouldn't be prouder of Chip and his team. I think he's amazing and the people he works with are incredible. We had an awesome time in San Diego and are certainly looking forward to next year!!!

As a side note, something really cool that I found fascinating about the Gaslamp quarter is the diagonal crossing!!! Really neat to see and even fun to do! Dorky, I know, but oh well.

The Proposal Story (By Kelly)

(Originally posted on MySpace by KELLY on 11.14.06)

So, I'm finally getting the opportunity to blog all the of Chip proposing as well as some of the details of our trip to England!

From the time we started to plan this vacation, Chip repeatedly told me that this trip was all about me. Every time he told me this I would tell him that this was a vacation for both of us. Of course, he would continue to insist that it was all about me and who am I to argue with him, right?

Some back story here; we saw V for Vendetta on IMAX when it came out in theaters earlier this year. We both loved the movie so much and it was fun for me to see Chip experience his first IMAX movie. For those who haven't seen this movie, it's centered around the 5th of November which is Guy Fawkes Day in England. Back in the 1600's, Guy Fawkes planned on blowing up Parliament on the 5th of November, but his plan was foiled hours before it was carried out. Since then, the 5th of November (or Bonfire Night) is celebrated every year. Our trip to England was planned specifically to include the 5th of November so we could experience Bonfire Night in England.

So we jump on an airplane from LAX to Chicago then off to England it is!!! We land at Manchester and make our way to our hotel to get some much needed sleep. When we wake up we grab a taxi and head to The Old Mill to have a couple of drinks and to grab a snack. The building used to be an old corn mill built in 1912. After it shut down they turned it into this quaint little pub. We order Cider and Beer and grab a table in the non-smoking section. The inside of this place was just incredible! Chip orders us a ham and mature cheddar cheese baguette which was PHENOMINAL!!! I'm not a big cheese person, so me loving this cheese is like Speedy Gonzales taking on a love for cats.

When we finished eating we decided to walk back to the hotel since it was only about a 1/2 mile. While we are walking Chip was pointing out the Sherwood Forest which was just breathtaking to see. The trees were so lush and the ivy grew up the trunks of the trees all the way to the tippy tops. Just the most incredible sight to see. We return to the hotel, go out again to absorb the awesome pub culture of England and return to our hotel for the night.

It's Saturday and we head in to Dewsbury to see the Piece Mall. Apparently it's a place where merchants would come and trade textiles when that industry was flourishing in that area hundreds of years ago. We walk around town and take in the sights. The buildings are just beautiful. We do some shopping and Chip picks me up a very cool viking hat!

We continue to shop and go into one store where there was this super cool wooden throne that had demon heads and dragons carved into it. It was all good until the man the owned the shop, dressed in a leather kilt with a blue beard starts to tell Chip about how his dead mother told him he would have a number one record before Christmas and is inquiring if Chip can help him achieve this. Chip grabs me for a speedy exit before this man can lick his soul. We finish shopping around and return to our hotel.

We decide to head into Mirfield to part-take in the Bonfire celebration. We see about 8,000 people and the most enormous bonfire ever! We couldn't believe it because fires like that here at home usually have a team of firefighters putting it out!!! Incredible!! The ground is super muddy so we head to the fire station across the street for pie and peas only to be told that they ran out right when we reach the front of the line. BOO! Oh well, better luck tomorrow?

It's about 1:00 am when we return to the hotel. We get back in our room and Chip says, "Hey! Let's go take a walk in the Sherwood Forest!" Of course, I'm game so off we go to frolick in the freezing midnight air. We take our short jaunt across the street and up a dirt road into the forest. We start to think this road may actually lead to someones home and consider heading back. I start to turn to head back when...

Chip: Baby...I just love you so much...
Me: I love you too baby!
C: I just...I don't want a day to go by that you aren't in my life...(then he starts to get down on one knee...I'm smart so I figured out very quickly what was coming next)
K: (jumping up and down) OH MY GOD!!!! What are you doing? OH MY GOD!!!
C: (on one knee, holding a Tiffany's box in his hand he extends it to me) Will you marry me?
K: (crying and jumping up and down) YES!!! YES!!! YES!!!

So he gets up and I open the box. It's a beautiful Tiffany's silver heart necklace to match the bracelet he bought for me in September!!! I just love it!

C: I wanted you to have the ring that YOU want, so we can shop for a diamond when we get home and then have our rings custom made!
K: (still crying) Okay!

We exchange lots of I love you's and hugs and kisses; then I look at him and shake my head, nearly speechless.

C: What is it baby?
K: I..uh...you...uh...I...um...you...you...you're wearing the viking hat!

Yes, my friends! My man proposed to me in the Sherwood Forest at 1:31am on the fifth of November wearing a viking hat!!!

Needless to say, all the pieces fell into place for me and with Chip's help I realized that he had been planning this for months!

I have to say that I am the luckiest girl in the entire world/universe/galaxy! I am so excited about what the future has to hold for us and I can't imagine nor see my life without Chip in it.

Chip, you are just the most amazing human being I have ever known. You have shown me what is it to be loved completely and without condition. Your enormous heart and your compassionate spirit coupled with your sense of humor and giving nature make me so very proud and I am honored to be your wife. I love you with every fiber of my being and take comfort in knowing that we will spend the remainder of our lives together. I love you more today than yesterday but not as much as tomorrow.

...I'll have to write England Part II and post it later! Gotta run folks!! Chipster and I are off onto another adventure! Cheers mate!

***EDIT*** Here's a picture of Kelly with the Viking Hat.

E3 SUCKS! (and 7 other reasons I can't speak)

(Originally posted on MySpace on 05.21.05)

Ok, this week was E3 as most of you know... So due to that, I'm officially a mute... That's right, I lost my voice for like the 10th year in a row... So here are a few highlights...

1. Me and bunch of dorks I work with went to a Karaoke bar on Tuesday night called "Brass Monkey". The highlight of the evening would have to be my boy Ning singing "she bangs" william hung style to the delight of all.

2. My feet hurt. They feel like 2 constantly exploding A-bombs.

3. The XBOX 360 looked pretty neat, although I probably won't buy one because I'm cheap like that.

4. I got super-sick today and had to leave early. (Note to self: Stop eating catsup that tastes like a yeast infection).

5. I pretty much hate E3.

6. I definitely hate LA.

6. We saw a bum take a dump on a sidwalk.

7. I forgot how to count.

8. The guys I shared a room with and myself, had fantastically sore balls. It was very homo-erotic.

8 Funny Things

(Originally posted 07.24.05)

I was just sitting here laughing my ass off at the new A1 steak sauce commercial and wondering if anybody else on earth thought it was as funny as I did... And then I thought about all of the wrong things that I have seen with my own 3 eyes that are funny as hell, but probably not socially acceptable.

1. I was at a record release party for the Cadillac Tramps about 5 years ago. It was at Club Gecko (if you know that club, you know what I'm saying when I tell you that it's a shithole. Anyway, I was upstairs watching the band and watching the crowd, when I saw this dude pull his arm back as far as possible, and punch some chick right in the face... I don't know why I thought it was funny, but almost fell off the balcony. When the girl I was with got VERY upset at this, we decided to leave. As we rounded the building, there were 3 bouncers holding the dude down while they let the chick beat the crap out of him. What goes around, comes around, bitches.

**Life lesson: Don't hit girls.

2. I'm in England about 6 years ago with a bunch of gimps that I was working with at the time (Hi Asher!). I take my team out drinking for our final night there at a pub where we spent a LOT of money and time. You see, I'm the kind of guy that will buy everybody drinks, too many drinks, just to see them puke on themselves... Anyway, we're in the pub, and willie (the owner of the pub) announces to the rest of the pub that he is going to allow me and my team to be the bartenders for the night. Since I'm a super genius, I tell Willie he's a pussy in front of all his regulars and challenge him with the following "I will. be your bartender, if I can drink for free AND I'll match you 1 to 1 for drinks", he agrees. Let's just say that the next day I woke up pantless on a bench in Bath England about 20 minutes late for the bus I was supposed to catch to the airport, not knowing exaclty where I was in the city. I got my bearings, bought some pants, and ran my ass to the hotel. We barely made the flight and I was puking my guts out all the way across the ocean.

**Life lesson: Don't challenge an englishman to a drinking contest, ever.

3. Farting. Farts are funny. Just ask Damien, he's a rotten ass-gasket. That guy drops more scents into my general area than should be legally allowed.

**Life lesson: Damien is a smelly a-hole.

4. Getting hit or kicked in the nuts. I know this is a standard funny to most men (as long as they aren't on the recieving end)... So, I'm like 13 or some fun age and I'm playing soccer, I get kicking the nuts so hard, that my cup broke. The fun part was that when it cracked, it was pushed in and grabbed a little of what I like to call "chicken skin"... That was less than comfortable to say the least.

**Life lesson: Whenever you eat chicken from now on, think of my pinched nutsack and nibble on the skin.

5. My best friend and I used to challenge each other to eat random stuff. One time I dared him to eat a spoonful of flour. He did it and he almost choked to death... I was laughing my ass off as his face turned red and he proceeded to almost pass out. You see, when you eat a giant spoonful of flour, once it hits your mouth, it cakes up, but only the part that touches moisture. So when he breathed in, he got 2 lungs full of glorious flour.

**Life lesson: Tom will eat anything I tell him.

6. I had to carry a table from my house to my garage. So I pick this big ass unweildy piece of shit up and make my way down the sidewalk towards my garage. As I get near the driveway, I notice 2 women walking towards me. They look like a mother-daughter combo. I smile and prepare to charm them with my sex appeal and oh-so gracefully proceed to step off the sidewalk, twist my ankle, fall down on the sidewalk, bashing my knee in the process. As if that wasn't embarassing enough, when I stood up, my pants dropped down to my ankles. I look into the sky, chuckle, and then grab my pants and pull them back up. I hope they had fun, I know I did.

**Life lesson: Don't ever move anything. Pay some shifty foreigner to do it

7. I'm hanging out with my X and 2 gay guys. She had told them stories about how nutty I am and that I'll do anything. So they decide it would be a good idea for us to all get naked and go skinny dipping. Thing is, we weren't at the pool, we were in their apartment. So we all ditch our clothes and go running down the hallway, into the elevator, across the street, and into the pool area. The pool area had this cool natural rock moat looking thing that went around the entire pool area. I go climbing up on this 15 foot tall rock structure with a waterfall on it, I do a tarzan chest pound and then realize that there's a flashlight shining on me and my nakedness... The next thing I heard is a classic that will stick with me forever... "Yo, naked guy, get off the rock". I look around and realize that all 3 of those bitches left me hangin' there and took off without warning me. Walking back to that apartment was the longest walk of my life.

**Life lesson: Don't get naked.

8. Yesterday I'm at the pool with my kids. We've got a bunch of other people around us because we're pretty loud and people are drawn to hang with us. There are about 10 kids / people standing in a circle playing "monkey in the middle", which is basically keep-away. My son is in the middle and proclaims loudly for all to hear "my winky hurts, it has a rash on it"... Watching the people slowly back away from him was priceless.

**Life lesson: If you have a rash on your winky, keep it quiet.

Apartment Living

(Originally posted on MySpace on 09.11.05)

I'm sitting here absolutely entralled by the train-wreck that is Danny Bonaduce's life on VH1 and in the back of my mind, I keep hearing a dripping sound...

20 minutes of this goes by before I decide to investigate. I go into the kitchen and find nothing, go into the bathroom and before I turn on the light, my foot makes that all too familiar "moosh" sound as though I had just stepped onto a football field in the middle of a hurricane. I hit the lights and see that water is POURING out of the light fixture in my ceiling all over the counter, mirror, toilet, shower, shower curtain, you get the idea.

Being the rocket scientist that I am, I grab some towels and dig in getting it cleaned up.. I use up 12 fucking towels! yes, I said 12, to sop up the mess.

At this point, I go to the managers office and inform them that my bathroom has been flooded by my upstairs neighbor. They say "we'll send somebody right over".

20 minutes later, water is STILL leaking into my bathroom, so I grab a few more towels and toss them on the floor and then make my way up to my upstairs neighbors place to make sure he's alright.

Here is how it went...

Me: "knock knock"
Him: *opens the door
Me: Hey man, there's water all over the fucking place downstairs, you Ok?
Him: Yeah, I took a massive dump and the toilet overflowed, sorry man...

Gay Video Gaming

(Originally posted on MySpace on 09.24.05)

So, rob and I are playing Marvel Nemesis today for HOURS. We're trying to unlock all the characters and all that crap...

We find a messageboard online that says you can unlock EVERYTHING in the game just by playing 1-on-1. Basically, every 10 fights, you unlock something.

So we go in for some hot 1-on-1 action to unlock the rest of the stuff that we haven't already (2 characters and 1 arena). We decide that the best way to do this is to set each of our sides to 1 death only and to just jump off the side of the building resulting in a "ring out" (instant loss).

We do this a few times and EVERY single time, Rob just flies into the air and then rockets himself off the edge. Now I'm a pretty competitive guy and I say "this round, I'll be the first off the edge", rob replies "bring it". As you may have guessed, he won by losing, yet again. As the next round is about to begin it occurs to me that my character has the ability to run really fast and I haven't been using it! So right as the round begins, I turn to rob with the intention of saying "I will win this race off the building" but what came out of my mouth went horribly wrong... Instead of saying "I will win this race..", I said "I will beat you off".

Yes. This is a true story and we both laughed once what I said had time to sink in.

If you are curious, I did indeed beat him off... the building.

I Love Blind People!

(Originally posted on MySpace on 12.19.05)

About 2 hours ago I was cruisin' up the hill towards the place that I live. I was all happy because I was gonna eat McDonalds for the first time in a while (I know, it's horrible for me. But DAMN! I love me the Big-Mac).

As I rounded the corner, I noticed a blind man walking down the hill on the sidewalk. This in and of itself wouldn't be noteworthy, except for the fact that he was shielding his eyes from the sun with a Hustler magazine... I immediately pulled over and watched him walk all the way down the hill with his Hustler-hat and blind-guy-cane (you know the one, about 6 feet long, white with a red tip). I can't tell you how hard I was laughing, I mean HE WAS BLIND!!! So, he can't see and would have no reason to shield his eyes from the sun OR be looking at a Hustler, but there he was, blind-pimp-strollin' down the hill without a care in the world.

This made me think about how much I love humanity and the quirkiness of being a human... Viva El-Quirko!

The Magical Freddy Murcury 1-Dollar Pants

(Originally posted on MySpace on 12.28.05)

Last night I had the greatest conversation with my boy Robba. Here's how it went... You may or may not find this funny, but I thought it was hilarious.

Rob: Hey dude, did you get that dollar that I found on the floor of your room?
Chip: Yeah, I think I left it on the table near my computer. DUDE, you know what would be awesome?
Rob: What?
Chip: I wish I had a pair of pants that every time I reached into the pocket I could pull out a dollar. Just 1 dollar. You know "how much is that? 290.00? Give me a minute, I'm gonna have to pay in 1's"
Rob: haha We would have to take those pants to a stripclub! You would be every strippers best friend.
Chip: Yes I would, with my Magical 1-Dollar Pants! Actually, if they are magical, there has to be a downside!
Rob: What's the downside?
Chip: Ok. So, the Magical 1-Dollar Pants would fit ANYBODY that put them on, skinny or fat and the dollar would only appear in the right front pocket. The downside would be that they are super tight(tm). So tight in fact, that after using them for even a short time, the skin from your right hand would eventually wear away leaving the wearer with only raw meat for a hand!
Rob: YES! Actually, we could resurrect Freddie Mercury from the dead and just have him go EVERYWHERE with us wearing these pants.
Chip: The Magical 1-Dollar Pants?
Rob: Yes, because Freddie Mercury's superpower is wearing super fucking tight pants!!! (tm)
Chip: YES! I would kill for a pair of Magical Freddie Mercury 1-Dollar Pants... Dude, I'm blogging this conversation.
Rob: hahah Really?
Chip: Yes.
Rob: HAHA We are the champions!

The Hardest Thing I've Ever Written

(Originally posted on MySpace on 01.07.06)

Hi there, my name is Chip and since I’m bored, I’m going to write a long story involving all kinds of fun for you to read about. It's going to have to be in multiple parts, as just this first part has taken me a couple months to actually write. You see, this is the story of a tattoo that almost killed me and then went on to liberate me. Follow along, won’t you?

Before I start, you need to know that I am not going to hold anything back in this story. Everything that is written here really happened, and it happened to ME Some of this story is definitely NOT for the weak, as I will talk a little about my bunghole, family, whores, drugs, and candy. If you are laughing, great. If that made you cringe, move along. I assure you that my story won’t go in any direction that you expect. Some of you may know some of this story, but since I’m writing this for myself more than anybody else, you’ll probably get some gory details that you didn’t expect.

With that being said, here we go…

I am going to start this story at the 1st end… On July 4th, 2005 my girlfriend and I were very excited to go light fireworks and enjoy the 4th. I bought a nice bottle of wine and we were going to enjoy each others company and just relax. As we were about to leave the house, I decided to check my email before we ran outside. I said “go ahead out and I’ll be there in 2 minutes, I need to check e-mail”…

I received 1 message, and here it is in it’s etirety… “j1mm1e_crack_c0rn (6/28/2005 4:33:48 PM): Hello Chip. I thought you should know in case you didn't know for 100% your girlfriend, has been cheating on you. This time last year she was sleeping with a guy who claimed to work for Mtv... also her whole family knew about it. And her mother even met the guy. Secondly the boss you had last year this time slept with her as well. I'm sure u are asking why I didn’t say anything before....Because her cousin, (my ex girlfriend last year at this time) guilted me into not telling. Now this isn't stuff I heard from her cousin or someone else. This is stuff I heard straight from your girlfriend’s mouth. Seems her and this Mtv guy met some place...and the next day when to a water park where they had sex for the first time. I tell you this for several reasons..#1 my ex-wife cheated on me for years without telling me. #2 it's morally the correct thing to do. #3 your girlfriend said she never used protection with either of these guys...thus exposing you to who knows what diseases...”

I was absolutely floored by this news. When my girlfriend came in to the house to find out what was taking me so long, I said “I have a question for you… When was the last time you were at a water park?” She looked at me and said “I need to leave”. I said “Happy Independence day whore, you no longer live here”...

Now, lets Tarantino back to the week of October 10, 2004…

3 weeks previous to October 10, 2004, I get a bug up my ass (this will be funny later) to go get a new tattoo. I describe what I want to a guy that has done work for me before. He says “give me 250.00 and 3 weeks”. So, my girlfriend and I cruise into the tattoo place after 3 weeks and I excitedly ask for “Mike” the tattoo artist. I am told that he no longer works there… “Yay, I got ripped off” is the first thing that goes through my mind, but this relatively attractive female begins to question why I am looking for Mike. I tell her my story, and she says to me “oh, is this the one you were looking for?” and pulls out a really cool drawing of what I had described to Mike. She tells me that she’s moving out of the state to Oregon with her husband later that week and that she’d be glad to do the work for me.

She starts working with that all-too-familiar pain that is the beauty of getting a tattoo. It takes her approximately 3 hours to finish the work and it comes out exactly as I had imagined it, in fact, it’s my favorite tattoo out of the 11 that I have.

Time for a little mythology lesson: The Chinese Dragon is the ultimate and most abiding symbol of good fortune and is the epitome of power, courage, nobility and divinity with an all-enduring trait that it would overcome all obstacles until it achieves success. This is what I have… 2 different Chinese Dragons, Water Dragons to be more specific. According to the Chinese Horoscope, Dragons are intelligent, forceful, fearless, energetic, and lucky. They make confident leaders. But like their mythical counterpart, can be temperamental, thin-skinned, destructive and stubborn. They are also blunt, attention-seeking, and impatient. This describes me to a fault… Anyway, let’s continue with the story, shall we?

I am very excited that my tattoo is done and that it looks so nice. I tip the girl and leave the building for the drive home. As I sit down, I exclaim to my girlfriend “ouch, my ass hurts” she laughs and turns on the car to drive home. I then say “no really, my butt really hurts. I don’t feel too well”. We get home about 10 minutes later and I feel VERY sleepy so I tell her that I’m going to take a nap. I wake up 6 hours later and I’m still tired…

The day after I get my fabulous tattoo, my brother Mike shows up at my house saying that he has nowhere to live and that he needs a place to stay. I tell him that he can stay until the weekend (4 days), but then he would have to leave. He agrees to this and comes inside and immediately passes out on my couch.

Let’s go back even further, shall we? My brother is a drug-addict. He’s been battling this addiction for as long as I can remember. He will do any drug, any time. He’s also an alcoholic. Something that I’m not too unfamiliar with as my girlfriend was / is also an alcoholic. Now, let’s return to the week of October 10th.

For the next 2 days, my girlfriend and I endured pure hell. It’s obvious that he’s on drugs again, but I was working 18 – 22 hour days at the time and couldn’t do anything about it. He would pass out on the floor and then when I would try to move him, he would try to hit me, or yell and say that he had some life-threatening disease, one time he even said he killed a lady on the freeway in his van (he drove an Acura) and that he had her head in the trunk because it fell off when he hit her… Typical drug addict behavior but I would tell myself “it’s only 4 days”.

Two days into this hell that my brother has brought into my life yet again, I wake up at 4 AM in a pool of blood. As luck would have it, when I got my new Dragon Tattoo, I ruptured something in my digestive tract (I’ll get into that in a few paragraphs) that was causing excruciating pain and internal bleeding. I was rushed to the hospital and the next 17 days would be the worst in my life.

Day 1:

My brother and girlfriend are with me in the hospital. My brother is very sweaty and twitchy the whole time, which just makes it more uncomfortable for me… The doctor tells me that the only problem that I have is that I have developed a hemorrhoid that needs to be “drained”. I don’t know if you have any idea in what is involved with having a hemorrhoid drained, so I’m going to delight you with the details. Basically, 1 person grabs both butt-cheeks and parts them like the red-sea, while a doctor slices your anus open. This is what they did. No pain relief of any type, just spread-and-slice™. The doctor then tells me that they are going to keep me overnight, just in case anything happens as there was a lot of blood… Shortly after 1 AM, my brother and girlfriend leave to go get some sleep.

Day 2:

I am informed that “something” is wrong with me and that they want to do more testing to figure out what’s wrong. I call my house to tell my girlfriend and brother, and neither of them answers the phone. I assume that they are on the way to the hospital, boy was I wrong, but that’s for later. I didn’t see my brother or girlfriend for 3 days after this.

Day 3:

I’m told “You have lymphoma” a form of cancer, but DAMN, my tattoo looks fantastic! It’s already peeled once and I can see that there are absolutely zero spots that will need to be re-done. I call my house to try to find out where my girlfriend and brother are during the delivery of the worst news I’ve ever received. No answer.

Day 4:

I’m on so many types of pain relievers, I can see through time. I remember re-living my soccer glory-days with my deceased mother at one point, clearly in a pain-reliever induced haze. I am told that I will need to go into surgery to remove my appendix as its swollen and causing other internal organs to shut down. I tell them to do whatever they want. I call home, still no answer. As a side note, I was on a Morphine machine. These things are wonderful. Basically, every 10 minutes I get to pound on a button that delivers Morphine directly into my vein! It was wonderful! On top of that, I was given 2 of the hardcore vicadin every 6 hours and 1 shot of Demerol every 4 hours. As you can see, I was in ass-loads™ of pain and when all of these drugs hit at the same time, I was the savior of the universe, doing good in the face of tyranny and evil!

Day 5:

I’m feeling like a million bucks, but I look like a nickel. My girlfriend and brother finally show up and my brother is wearing MY clothes. I question why he is wearing my clothes and my girlfriend tells me “I thought they looked good on him”. At this point, I notice neither of them is looking me in the eye and that they are both sweaty and agitated. I tell them I have cancer. Neither of them has the response you would expect, instead, my girlfriend tells me “we’re leaving to get some food, we’re both hungry”. Yes, they were at the hospital for about 20 minutes. My brother decides that It’s funny that I have ripped through my hospital pajamas and that my balls are literally hanging out. He takes a picture of my glorious balls™ with his cell-phone camera “to send to dad”.

Day whatever:

The next couple weeks are a blur. I’m not really sure what day it is, or what time it is, or if I’m alive or dead. I *think* I remember getting a phone call from my brother telling me that he’s been having sex with my girlfriend in my bed. He was very graphic describing the actual positions and things said during said sex acts. I remember saying “I’ll kill you if I ever see you again” to which he replied “I know, I’ll move out of the state when you get out of the hospital”. At some point, my girlfriend called me and told me that my brother had beat her up and lit my living room carpet on fire with fireworks. I thought I was in a drug-haze, but all of this really happened. I called the police and told them what was going on and they went out to my house to talk with my girlfriend and brother. They called me shortly after and said “something” definitely happened, but that my girlfriend didn’t want to do anything about it. I demanded that they arrest my brother on the spot, which they did.

Last day in the hospital:

I finally get released. I am told that I’m going to have to undergo cancer treatment and the like and that I will also need to get a bone marrow test done within a couple weeks (I’ll go into this story a little bit later). I get released at 9 AM. My girlfriend finally decides to show up at 1:30. Because of my mental state during my stay in the hospital, my girlfriend convinces me that I imagined all of the above and that she would never cheat on me. And I chose to believe it…

Over the next couple weeks, I’m in and out of consciousness and undergo quite a few medical procedures. I had my appendix removed, an ulcer removed, a blood supply that had attached itself to my stomach and the ulcer removed, 3 inches of my digestive tract removed, and 2 lymph nodes removed. Yay me! Let this be a lesson to you, try not to work 18 hour days for 5 months straight (no days off).

Now lets tarantino again…

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END OF PART 1.

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Strangely, I never finished this story, nor do I ever intend to.

But it happens to be the very reason Kelly first contacted me on MySpace. When God closes a door, he opens a window.

Check this out. The first contact that Kelly and I EVER had.

Shopping for Pants

(Originally posted on MySpace on 02.03.06)

I start a new job on Monday so I thought I should be some new pants since all of mine could house a 3rd world country (my pants are freakin' huge). I've lost 40 pounds over the last year and my pants are 2 varieties right now: Way too big or way too small.

My roommates girlfriend gave me a 50.00 gift certificate for Christmas so off to Ross I go.

I get to Ross and the first thing I notice is that is smells roughly the equivalent of a bathroom at the beach. I think somebody may have shit on, or around, the coats (yay, Dane Cook!!). Seriously, it smelled bad. The second thing I notice is the girl working the front desk. She looked like a 56 year old version of Madonna from the 80's. I think she was wearing the "like a virgin" getup. Necklaces everywhere, bracelets, the works. She also took the artistic freedom of adding about 12 piercings to her face. Now normally, I would be all over that type of girl, but I think she was somebody's grandma...

I foray off into the mens section in Ross. I thought I would be bummed that they didn't have any pants, but much to my happiness, they had an over-abundance! I quickly grab up 6 pairs of pants to try on and head on over to the changing room. The lady there tells me no less than four times "there is a 6 item limit for the dressing room", after giving her a math lesson, she finally lets me in. 2 pairs were absolutely horrific! So I tossed them to the math dullard who once again exclaimed loudly "there is a 6 item limit for the dressing room"... Nice work genius, I'm down to 4! The next pair of pants seemed like they were going to be cool. They had a button fly, which I haven't seen since like 1987. I put them on and they are a little snug, I walk out into the hallway to look at them in the mirror and run into a girl that I used to work with at Interplay, after chatting for about 2 minutes, we have this conversation:

Me: Debbie, what do you think about these pants? I haven't seen them in the mirror yet.

Debbie: (looks at pants and then immediately turns red and stares at the ceiling like rain-man) er... uh... I don't... uh... You should look in the mirror and judge for yourself...

I look in the mirror and start laughing my ass off. These pants made me look like an 80's rockstar. All you could see was ballsack. It was almost like the pants were made to make my package look much larger than it actually is... I apologize and quickly make my way back into the dressing room.

I find 2 pairs that I actually like and set off to pay for them. I ask the math-whiz where Debbie went, she told me that Debbie had left the store immediately after I went back into the dressing room...

I get up to the Ross checkout counter and toss the pants onto the counter of Grand-Madonna and say "I'll take these". She mumbles something in some language that I don't understand. I then say "wow, you look interesting" to which she replies "these pants all you?"... I have no clue what that means, so I point to register and say "I would like to buy these pants and I would like to use my Ross gift certificate to purchase them" while pulling the gift certificate out of my pocket to pay for said pants.

As I pull out the gift certificate, I catch a glimpse of the logo on the back of it... It said "TJMAXX"... Yes, I was in the wrong fucking store. I laughed and walked out...

Pulled Over

(Originally posted on MySpace on 08.12.06)

For those of you that have never had the sheer pleasure of an "Oh Those Donuts" Crumb Glazed Donuts, you are missing out.

It's a little place in Newport near 17th Street on Newport Blvd and they are absolutely worth the trip to go there just for said crumb donuts.

That being said, let's get to the story, shall we?

One Saturday a month, Kelly has to work and today happened to be one of those Saturdays.

Whenever she has to work a Saturday, I make her breakfast and then pick her up for lunch. This morning, I decided to go grab a couple donuts and bring them to work for her. Round trip, it's about 37 miles.

Everything up to purchasing the donuts went smoothly all the way up until I left...

Let me interrupt the story for a sec and tell a different story that is completely related to today's story.

The registration on my car expired in January of this year. That's a bad thing. Last week I went to the DMV to get the registration straightened out and was told "uh... dude, go to court. There are some serious issues with your car". I started asking questions and the guy behind the counter pointed out (by literally pointing at his computer monitor) that there were numerous warrants out for my arrest.

I left as fast as possible because he could have easily had me arrested. The next day, I take the day off of work to go get these problems handled by going to court. I show up to the outside windows and the girl there is completely perplexed by my record. It takes her about 20 minutes to finally tell me that my X-girlfriend had *somehow* used my drivers license number for 8 different tickets, 2 of which were felonies, 2 misdemeanors, and 4 infractions. She set me up so that I could go see the judge. I get in to the courtroom just as the bailiff is booting a guy out of court because his cell phone rang. As I sit down, I realize that the judge is the SAME judge that I had seen once in the past because of the very same X-Girlfriend. On that occasion, she had stolen my checkbook, forged my signature, and wrote a bum check. I got nailed for it and when I went to court, the judge made ME go to a check writing school even though I explained what had happened, so I already had a bad feeling about this guy.

I waited about 10 minutes to be called, which is clearly some sort of record. I get called up first in the group of 7 to sit before the judge, but last to actually talk to him. Everybody before me was up there for about 2 minutes each and he would give them their sentence and they would be on their merry little ways. When he called me, I said good morning and then stood in front of him for at least 10 minutes before he talked to me. Here's how it went...

Judge: Hello, can you pay for all of this today?
Me: Excuse me?
Judge: *looking at paperwork* uh...
Judge: Hmmm. What is your full legal name?
Me: Charles Bumgardner Jr, sir.
Judge: Hmmm. Give me a minute.

I then stand there for about 5 more minutes as he scratches his head and tries to figure out what is wrong.

Judge: Ok, It looks as though you may have been the victim of identity theft. I've taken care of all of the warrants and tickets and they are now attached to Misty and not you.
Me: Thank you sir.
Judge: You don't owe any money, go ahead outside and you'll get the paperwork you need.

As I left the courthouse with all of the paperwork that I need to get my registration taken care of, I noticed in all caps "DO NOT ARREST THIS MAN, MISTAKEN IDENTITY". Now I just have to go back to the DMV. I scheduled my appointment for the 24th of this month, which puts us right back to the original story...

As I am pulling out of Oh Those Donuts' parking lot, I notice a Costa Mesa cop car in the 2nd lane and think out loud "sweet, he's already past me, so that's good" and pull into the first lane of traffic. I immediately notice the red-n-blue lights behind me pulling me over. Yep, there was a 2nd cop car.

I pull over on a little side street and wait to be sent to prison to suffer a lifetime of manrape and bad food. The police officer walks up to me and here's how that went.

Cop: Hello there, you know your registration is expired? I may need to tow your car.
Me: I am in the middle of taking car of it ma'am.
Cop: What do you mean?
Me: I went to court last week (insert the rest of the story above here).
Cop: Wow, that's unfortunate. *sniffing the air*
Cop: Sir, can you step out of the car please?
Me: Sure!
Me: *I get out of the car* Yo mind me asking why?
Cop: I smell Marijuana.
Me: Uh... Not in my car you don't.
Cop: You mind if I search your vehicle.
Me: Go right ahead...

At this point, the cop starts laughing and tells me:

Cop: Forget it. I'm not going to search your car *laughing histerically*
Me: Ok...
Cop: You are in front of a flower shop! It must be the flowers.
Me: Didn't they teach you the difference between a pretty rose and weed during your training? *smiling*
Cop: *still laughing* I'm going to give you a fix-it ticket and NOT tow your car. Make sure you get it taken care of because most other officers won't be so nice.

That's the end of the story... I hope you all find it as humorous as I did, except the part where my X used my license for whatever she did. It will catch up with her though, she's now got warrants and all of that.

For your viewing pleasure, I'm including a pic that I took a couple months ago down in Newport. You've probably already seen it, but I love it and think it's hilarious.