Dr. Buttzo

Originally posted on MySpace on 12.11.06)

***If you are the type of person that cries at the mention of cancer, don't read this***

First off, I have to say, I have the WORST luck with the names of my doctors. Here is the list: Peter C. Wang, Michael J. Schlutz, and now, Dr. Burtzo (which to me, is Dr. Butt-zo). The best part of this is that Dr. Schlutz was referred to me by Dr. Wang. Now, being and Asian, his pronunciation was "Dr. Sluts"…

I had to go to the doctor today to get my semi-yearly cancer testing. It's never fun. I get sweaty and nervous and shaky and all of that. So anyway, I'm in the lobby reading the latest issue of Bon Appetit and trying to be helpful to the people that actually have cancer. After finishing up copying a recipe for Sweet Potatoes Au Gratin, when a "normal" looking young female walks out of the Oncology office and exclaims VERY loudly "I HAVE 24 HOURS TO LIVE!" with her arms raised in the air like she just won an Oscar. Everybody in the office is horrified, except me. I laugh my ass off… Fortunately, I was in the right, because she was joking to her husband and didn't mean to be so loud. I look around to see everybody else literally twitching and writhing in their seats, while I continue to laugh…

Once I get into the office, I am ushered into a little room that has 2 windows. Both of the windows are covered in blinds that are closed. A few minutes later, the doctor comes in and starts asking all kinds of cancer questions. Then he tells me that he's going to order some tests, the first would be an eye exam…

Let me flashback for a second. As I was walking in to the office, I noticed that there were a TON of huge trees all around the office, I mean a TON of them. Huge beautiful trees! I actually stopped to admire them for a second before I went in… Now, back to the story…

Doctor Butt-zo opens the windows and the following conversation takes place:

Doctor Butt-zo: Ok Chip, I want you to focus on something outside.
Me: Uh… There is NOTHING outside (remembering the giant trees, I find this odd).
Doctor Butt-zo: Uh.. Focus on one of the slats in the blind.
Me: Ok.

He then proceeds to finish the eye exam. After he leaves, I am still intrigued by the lack of anything to look at out the 2nd story window and walk over to look out… I am not kidding when I tell you that directly outside the window, and the reason that there was nothing to look at, was a cemetery. Yes, a cemetery. I, once again, laugh my ass off. A few seconds later, Dr. Butt-zo comes in to see me laughing:

Doctor Butt-zo: What's so funny?
Me: (pointing to the cemetery) uh… Talk about poor planning! Holy shit, you've got to be kidding me!
Doctor Butt-zo: Yeah, it's pretty sad. I don't usually have patients on this side of the building.
Me: It would be even more funny to me if both businesses were owned by the same person, do you think I could get a discount on a grave if you mess up your diagnosis?
Doctor Butt-zo: What?
Me: Forget it… Dude, you guys need to move your office...