8 Funny Things

(Originally posted 07.24.05)

I was just sitting here laughing my ass off at the new A1 steak sauce commercial and wondering if anybody else on earth thought it was as funny as I did... And then I thought about all of the wrong things that I have seen with my own 3 eyes that are funny as hell, but probably not socially acceptable.

1. I was at a record release party for the Cadillac Tramps about 5 years ago. It was at Club Gecko (if you know that club, you know what I'm saying when I tell you that it's a shithole. Anyway, I was upstairs watching the band and watching the crowd, when I saw this dude pull his arm back as far as possible, and punch some chick right in the face... I don't know why I thought it was funny, but almost fell off the balcony. When the girl I was with got VERY upset at this, we decided to leave. As we rounded the building, there were 3 bouncers holding the dude down while they let the chick beat the crap out of him. What goes around, comes around, bitches.

**Life lesson: Don't hit girls.

2. I'm in England about 6 years ago with a bunch of gimps that I was working with at the time (Hi Asher!). I take my team out drinking for our final night there at a pub where we spent a LOT of money and time. You see, I'm the kind of guy that will buy everybody drinks, too many drinks, just to see them puke on themselves... Anyway, we're in the pub, and willie (the owner of the pub) announces to the rest of the pub that he is going to allow me and my team to be the bartenders for the night. Since I'm a super genius, I tell Willie he's a pussy in front of all his regulars and challenge him with the following "I will. be your bartender, if I can drink for free AND I'll match you 1 to 1 for drinks", he agrees. Let's just say that the next day I woke up pantless on a bench in Bath England about 20 minutes late for the bus I was supposed to catch to the airport, not knowing exaclty where I was in the city. I got my bearings, bought some pants, and ran my ass to the hotel. We barely made the flight and I was puking my guts out all the way across the ocean.

**Life lesson: Don't challenge an englishman to a drinking contest, ever.

3. Farting. Farts are funny. Just ask Damien, he's a rotten ass-gasket. That guy drops more scents into my general area than should be legally allowed.

**Life lesson: Damien is a smelly a-hole.

4. Getting hit or kicked in the nuts. I know this is a standard funny to most men (as long as they aren't on the recieving end)... So, I'm like 13 or some fun age and I'm playing soccer, I get kicking the nuts so hard, that my cup broke. The fun part was that when it cracked, it was pushed in and grabbed a little of what I like to call "chicken skin"... That was less than comfortable to say the least.

**Life lesson: Whenever you eat chicken from now on, think of my pinched nutsack and nibble on the skin.

5. My best friend and I used to challenge each other to eat random stuff. One time I dared him to eat a spoonful of flour. He did it and he almost choked to death... I was laughing my ass off as his face turned red and he proceeded to almost pass out. You see, when you eat a giant spoonful of flour, once it hits your mouth, it cakes up, but only the part that touches moisture. So when he breathed in, he got 2 lungs full of glorious flour.

**Life lesson: Tom will eat anything I tell him.

6. I had to carry a table from my house to my garage. So I pick this big ass unweildy piece of shit up and make my way down the sidewalk towards my garage. As I get near the driveway, I notice 2 women walking towards me. They look like a mother-daughter combo. I smile and prepare to charm them with my sex appeal and oh-so gracefully proceed to step off the sidewalk, twist my ankle, fall down on the sidewalk, bashing my knee in the process. As if that wasn't embarassing enough, when I stood up, my pants dropped down to my ankles. I look into the sky, chuckle, and then grab my pants and pull them back up. I hope they had fun, I know I did.

**Life lesson: Don't ever move anything. Pay some shifty foreigner to do it

7. I'm hanging out with my X and 2 gay guys. She had told them stories about how nutty I am and that I'll do anything. So they decide it would be a good idea for us to all get naked and go skinny dipping. Thing is, we weren't at the pool, we were in their apartment. So we all ditch our clothes and go running down the hallway, into the elevator, across the street, and into the pool area. The pool area had this cool natural rock moat looking thing that went around the entire pool area. I go climbing up on this 15 foot tall rock structure with a waterfall on it, I do a tarzan chest pound and then realize that there's a flashlight shining on me and my nakedness... The next thing I heard is a classic that will stick with me forever... "Yo, naked guy, get off the rock". I look around and realize that all 3 of those bitches left me hangin' there and took off without warning me. Walking back to that apartment was the longest walk of my life.

**Life lesson: Don't get naked.

8. Yesterday I'm at the pool with my kids. We've got a bunch of other people around us because we're pretty loud and people are drawn to hang with us. There are about 10 kids / people standing in a circle playing "monkey in the middle", which is basically keep-away. My son is in the middle and proclaims loudly for all to hear "my winky hurts, it has a rash on it"... Watching the people slowly back away from him was priceless.

**Life lesson: If you have a rash on your winky, keep it quiet.