Hi there, my name is Chip and since I’m bored, I’m going to write a long story involving all kinds of fun for you to read about. It's going to have to be in multiple parts, as just this first part has taken me a couple months to actually write. You see, this is the story of a tattoo that almost killed me and then went on to liberate me. Follow along, won’t you?
Before I start, you need to know that I am not going to hold anything back in this story. Everything that is written here really happened, and it happened to ME Some of this story is definitely NOT for the weak, as I will talk a little about my bunghole, family, whores, drugs, and candy. If you are laughing, great. If that made you cringe, move along. I assure you that my story won’t go in any direction that you expect. Some of you may know some of this story, but since I’m writing this for myself more than anybody else, you’ll probably get some gory details that you didn’t expect.
With that being said, here we go…
I am going to start this story at the 1st end… On July 4th, 2005 my girlfriend and I were very excited to go light fireworks and enjoy the 4th. I bought a nice bottle of wine and we were going to enjoy each others company and just relax. As we were about to leave the house, I decided to check my email before we ran outside. I said “go ahead out and I’ll be there in 2 minutes, I need to check e-mail”…
I received 1 message, and here it is in it’s etirety… “j1mm1e_crack_c0rn (6/28/2005 4:33:48 PM): Hello Chip. I thought you should know in case you didn't know for 100% your girlfriend, has been cheating on you. This time last year she was sleeping with a guy who claimed to work for Mtv... also her whole family knew about it. And her mother even met the guy. Secondly the boss you had last year this time slept with her as well. I'm sure u are asking why I didn’t say anything before....Because her cousin, (my ex girlfriend last year at this time) guilted me into not telling. Now this isn't stuff I heard from her cousin or someone else. This is stuff I heard straight from your girlfriend’s mouth. Seems her and this Mtv guy met some place...and the next day when to a water park where they had sex for the first time. I tell you this for several reasons..#1 my ex-wife cheated on me for years without telling me. #2 it's morally the correct thing to do. #3 your girlfriend said she never used protection with either of these guys...thus exposing you to who knows what diseases...”
I was absolutely floored by this news. When my girlfriend came in to the house to find out what was taking me so long, I said “I have a question for you… When was the last time you were at a water park?” She looked at me and said “I need to leave”. I said “Happy Independence day whore, you no longer live here”...
Now, lets Tarantino back to the week of October 10, 2004…
3 weeks previous to October 10, 2004, I get a bug up my ass (this will be funny later) to go get a new tattoo. I describe what I want to a guy that has done work for me before. He says “give me 250.00 and 3 weeks”. So, my girlfriend and I cruise into the tattoo place after 3 weeks and I excitedly ask for “Mike” the tattoo artist. I am told that he no longer works there… “Yay, I got ripped off” is the first thing that goes through my mind, but this relatively attractive female begins to question why I am looking for Mike. I tell her my story, and she says to me “oh, is this the one you were looking for?” and pulls out a really cool drawing of what I had described to Mike. She tells me that she’s moving out of the state to Oregon with her husband later that week and that she’d be glad to do the work for me.
She starts working with that all-too-familiar pain that is the beauty of getting a tattoo. It takes her approximately 3 hours to finish the work and it comes out exactly as I had imagined it, in fact, it’s my favorite tattoo out of the 11 that I have.
Time for a little mythology lesson: The Chinese Dragon is the ultimate and most abiding symbol of good fortune and is the epitome of power, courage, nobility and divinity with an all-enduring trait that it would overcome all obstacles until it achieves success. This is what I have… 2 different Chinese Dragons, Water Dragons to be more specific. According to the Chinese Horoscope, Dragons are intelligent, forceful, fearless, energetic, and lucky. They make confident leaders. But like their mythical counterpart, can be temperamental, thin-skinned, destructive and stubborn. They are also blunt, attention-seeking, and impatient. This describes me to a fault… Anyway, let’s continue with the story, shall we?
I am very excited that my tattoo is done and that it looks so nice. I tip the girl and leave the building for the drive home. As I sit down, I exclaim to my girlfriend “ouch, my ass hurts” she laughs and turns on the car to drive home. I then say “no really, my butt really hurts. I don’t feel too well”. We get home about 10 minutes later and I feel VERY sleepy so I tell her that I’m going to take a nap. I wake up 6 hours later and I’m still tired…
The day after I get my fabulous tattoo, my brother Mike shows up at my house saying that he has nowhere to live and that he needs a place to stay. I tell him that he can stay until the weekend (4 days), but then he would have to leave. He agrees to this and comes inside and immediately passes out on my couch.
Let’s go back even further, shall we? My brother is a drug-addict. He’s been battling this addiction for as long as I can remember. He will do any drug, any time. He’s also an alcoholic. Something that I’m not too unfamiliar with as my girlfriend was / is also an alcoholic. Now, let’s return to the week of October 10th.
For the next 2 days, my girlfriend and I endured pure hell. It’s obvious that he’s on drugs again, but I was working 18 – 22 hour days at the time and couldn’t do anything about it. He would pass out on the floor and then when I would try to move him, he would try to hit me, or yell and say that he had some life-threatening disease, one time he even said he killed a lady on the freeway in his van (he drove an Acura) and that he had her head in the trunk because it fell off when he hit her… Typical drug addict behavior but I would tell myself “it’s only 4 days”.
Two days into this hell that my brother has brought into my life yet again, I wake up at 4 AM in a pool of blood. As luck would have it, when I got my new Dragon Tattoo, I ruptured something in my digestive tract (I’ll get into that in a few paragraphs) that was causing excruciating pain and internal bleeding. I was rushed to the hospital and the next 17 days would be the worst in my life.
Day 1:
My brother and girlfriend are with me in the hospital. My brother is very sweaty and twitchy the whole time, which just makes it more uncomfortable for me… The doctor tells me that the only problem that I have is that I have developed a hemorrhoid that needs to be “drained”. I don’t know if you have any idea in what is involved with having a hemorrhoid drained, so I’m going to delight you with the details. Basically, 1 person grabs both butt-cheeks and parts them like the red-sea, while a doctor slices your anus open. This is what they did. No pain relief of any type, just spread-and-slice™. The doctor then tells me that they are going to keep me overnight, just in case anything happens as there was a lot of blood… Shortly after 1 AM, my brother and girlfriend leave to go get some sleep.
Day 2:
I am informed that “something” is wrong with me and that they want to do more testing to figure out what’s wrong. I call my house to tell my girlfriend and brother, and neither of them answers the phone. I assume that they are on the way to the hospital, boy was I wrong, but that’s for later. I didn’t see my brother or girlfriend for 3 days after this.
Day 3:
I’m told “You have lymphoma” a form of cancer, but DAMN, my tattoo looks fantastic! It’s already peeled once and I can see that there are absolutely zero spots that will need to be re-done. I call my house to try to find out where my girlfriend and brother are during the delivery of the worst news I’ve ever received. No answer.
Day 4:
I’m on so many types of pain relievers, I can see through time. I remember re-living my soccer glory-days with my deceased mother at one point, clearly in a pain-reliever induced haze. I am told that I will need to go into surgery to remove my appendix as its swollen and causing other internal organs to shut down. I tell them to do whatever they want. I call home, still no answer. As a side note, I was on a Morphine machine. These things are wonderful. Basically, every 10 minutes I get to pound on a button that delivers Morphine directly into my vein! It was wonderful! On top of that, I was given 2 of the hardcore vicadin every 6 hours and 1 shot of Demerol every 4 hours. As you can see, I was in ass-loads™ of pain and when all of these drugs hit at the same time, I was the savior of the universe, doing good in the face of tyranny and evil!
Day 5:
I’m feeling like a million bucks, but I look like a nickel. My girlfriend and brother finally show up and my brother is wearing MY clothes. I question why he is wearing my clothes and my girlfriend tells me “I thought they looked good on him”. At this point, I notice neither of them is looking me in the eye and that they are both sweaty and agitated. I tell them I have cancer. Neither of them has the response you would expect, instead, my girlfriend tells me “we’re leaving to get some food, we’re both hungry”. Yes, they were at the hospital for about 20 minutes. My brother decides that It’s funny that I have ripped through my hospital pajamas and that my balls are literally hanging out. He takes a picture of my glorious balls™ with his cell-phone camera “to send to dad”.
Day whatever:
The next couple weeks are a blur. I’m not really sure what day it is, or what time it is, or if I’m alive or dead. I *think* I remember getting a phone call from my brother telling me that he’s been having sex with my girlfriend in my bed. He was very graphic describing the actual positions and things said during said sex acts. I remember saying “I’ll kill you if I ever see you again” to which he replied “I know, I’ll move out of the state when you get out of the hospital”. At some point, my girlfriend called me and told me that my brother had beat her up and lit my living room carpet on fire with fireworks. I thought I was in a drug-haze, but all of this really happened. I called the police and told them what was going on and they went out to my house to talk with my girlfriend and brother. They called me shortly after and said “something” definitely happened, but that my girlfriend didn’t want to do anything about it. I demanded that they arrest my brother on the spot, which they did.
Last day in the hospital:
I finally get released. I am told that I’m going to have to undergo cancer treatment and the like and that I will also need to get a bone marrow test done within a couple weeks (I’ll go into this story a little bit later). I get released at 9 AM. My girlfriend finally decides to show up at 1:30. Because of my mental state during my stay in the hospital, my girlfriend convinces me that I imagined all of the above and that she would never cheat on me. And I chose to believe it…
Over the next couple weeks, I’m in and out of consciousness and undergo quite a few medical procedures. I had my appendix removed, an ulcer removed, a blood supply that had attached itself to my stomach and the ulcer removed, 3 inches of my digestive tract removed, and 2 lymph nodes removed. Yay me! Let this be a lesson to you, try not to work 18 hour days for 5 months straight (no days off).
Now lets tarantino again…
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END OF PART 1.
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Strangely, I never finished this story, nor do I ever intend to.
But it happens to be the very reason Kelly first contacted me on MySpace. When God closes a door, he opens a window.
Check this out. The first contact that Kelly and I EVER had.
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